The teachings of Professor K9: An advertisement for the University of Life
This post is written for the Humor Me Blog Hop, hosted by none other than the deliciously funny Terrye Toombs of The Misplaced Alaskan.
I would like to introduce you to PetsAware’s anchor columnist, the intelligent (but rather snooty) Professor K9. He will give regular Tuesday takes on slices of life from his Dogfessional point of view.
For his inaugural column, Prof K9 would like to beef up the enrollment to his classes(apparently they are not really that popular). So he has enlisted me, Michelle, to be his reluctant but still obliging voice box and to help him out a little bit with his recruitment.
Still, I have told him that he has to do his part in making a pitch.
And here he is.
Professor K9’s Advertising Pitch for the University of Life
Now let me, Professor K9, begin by saying that I don’t mean to boast (but I’ll do it anyway). Canines like me have degrees in life’s many subjects. ranging from a Bachelor’s in Finding Joy in the Simple Pleasures of Life to a Doctorate in Living Life with a Sense of Humor. With a great teacher as I am, it is no wonder my class is always crammed with ignorant students. When one enters the great Professor K9’s classroom, one can be assured that he will come prepared with a bag full of useful and enriching life lessons for dog and human alike. So this is what students hoping to enroll can look forward to.
Classroom 101: How to make your presence felt
During this course, students will be taught how to greet their owners at the door. They will be given the necessary tools to make their greetings and self-proclamations really audible, so that owners will be able to know how much they are being missed and that the message gets through to the entire neighborhood. Resource packages include DVDs and audio tapes manufactured by the great professor, myself. Do note that spaces for the class are limited, so students are encouraged to sign up quickly.
Classroom 102: How to extricate yourself from sticky situations
This course teaches students the techniques of how to get themselves out of traumatic situations like baths, nail clipping and brushing teeth. Techniques include giving owners the runaround, running out of the house and backyard and simply refusing to move while owners do the tugging. My professional canine expertise will doubtless equip students with the necessary skills they need for survival in the questionable human world.
*Classroom 103: The resilience booster
The module includes compulsory field work. Students will practice digging for buried bonesand credits will only be awarded to those who show that they have the tenacity to stay in the field until all required bones have been found. With my dogged determination, I show students what it takes to develop the determination to keep digging and drive harassing human owners out of their minds. Do note that this is a compulsory module.
Classroom 104: The grooming module – how to be irresistably charming
This module teachings the basics of etiquette from a doggy perspective. Here, I use my pugnacious attractiveness to teach students how to reap greater rewards by turning on the charm. The course includes a section on how to open doe-like eyes wide so that owners will heap pity with an increased portion of food. This etiquette module better prepares students for life ahead, for interacting with ignorant human owners is rather tough.
Classroom 105: How to play
In this course, students will learn that play is a vital key to survival. Techniques taught will include stress relievers like romping, scratching, running and chewing on soft toys and slippers. An element of the course not to be missed; the Professor shows how to scratch at owner’s beds early in the morning so as to remind them that it is time for the Great Morning Walk. The noble professor teaches students that they must remember to play in the midst of all their busy schedules.
Classroom 106: Conflict management
This module, the sixth in the series of courses conducted by my esteemed academic self, shows students how dogs use the skill of managing conflicts. I will show that they never bite when a simple growl will do so that unnecessary misunderstandings can be avoided. Students interested in signing up for this module should note that it is useful for resolving petty conflicts with owners at work and in the home.
*Classroom 107: The asset protection module
Course materials for this module are related to module Classroom 103. Again, it is compulsory for students who sign up for classes in the University of Life. With my intelligent expertise, I teach students how to cherish and protect assets by “investing” or hiding them in various places. Protection of assets also includes knowing how to practice obedience to our tyrannical human masters and if necessary, give them a good nip when it is in our best interests to do so.
**Classroom 108: Loyalty
The module is double starred owing to its popularity, loyalty being needed to persuade silly humans to give us those few measly scraps daily I harness all dogs’ survival skills by demonstrating the essence of the word “faithful” as I stick, with a specific purpose in mind of course, closely to my owner.
Classroom 109 : How to love
Probably the most critical of modules, I, with my doggy charm in Classroom 109 demonstrate to students how to show love to others when I nuzzle them after sensing that they have had a terrible day.
A reminder from me to you future graduates that this is a critical module to take up as these foolish human owners tend to take us a little for granted at times. They need a little reminding with a few licks in the correct places.
As this module is a rather demanding one, students are recommended to attend consultations with Professor K9 regularly.Students are encouraged to contact Professor K9 at the University of Life should they have further enquires about the modules listed above.
By Michelle Liew Tsui-Lin
All RIghts Reserved
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